Allan Observes TPDoEQ
by Lady Norbert
Summary: While trying to coax the muse out of hiding to finish the TPDoEQ series, the author channeled the unexpectedly funny, Bridget Jones-styled thoughts of her protagonist's late father. Rated for some British slang swear words.
1. The Original Diary

**Allan Observes: A TPDoEQ Special Edition**  
by Lady Norbert

A/N: The inspiration for this fic came when I re-read some of my reviews, hoping to prod the muse into behaving herself. There was a review from the white witch of ny in which it was suggested that I do a version of the series from Allan's point of view as he watches from heaven. The funny, snarky side of my brain grabbed the idea and ran away with it, _Bridget Jones_ style. So I couldn't resist doing this very silly version of things.

Now, if you have not read the original TPDoEQ stories, be warned -- this is filled with spoilers! In a nutshell, I'm writing a parody of my own story. And yes, I'm going to be making fun of Elizabeth a lot, because I can. Based on the reactions of the 'test audience,' I would like to suggest that you not eat or drink while reading this. I should hate to hear that one of my readers choked.

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_Day One_: Died today. Being dead not as bad as one might suppose. Got to see both wives again -- bigamy permitted after death, apparently -- as well as son. Missed son. Was also able to witness Sawyer avenge death before demise actually took place, v. satisfying. Only real complaint about death is lack of access to shiny rifles.

_Day Four_: Adjusting to afterlife. Had lunch with Shakespeare. Couldn't understand a word he said, bloody iambic pentameter.

_Day Nine_: Watched League for awhile. Returned kidnapped scientists and families to rightful country. Skinner savagely burned in Mongolia but apparently recovering. Sawyer gloomy about self's death, but cheered by fact that Mina killed poncy twit Gray -- less competition.

_Day Thirteen_: League buried me in Kenya next to son today, v. decent of them. Natives confused by floating hat and coat attending funeral, but otherwise v. nice. Witch doctor attempted to resurrect corpse, felt odd twitching around navel. Attempt failed.

_Day Fifteen_: Nemo learned from other colonists that self has surviving child back in England. Giant canoe now heading for London to pay respects.

_Day Twenty-two_: Colonists also sent wire to Prime Minister announcing death of national hero. Today daughter received message from PM, extending his condolences and kicking her out of manor house.

PM a big wanker, really.

_Day Twenty-three_: Someone should tell daughter black really not her colour. Daughter has prayed for self's soul no less than four times since hearing from PM. V. touching, but getting annoying.

_Day Twenty-seven_: Observed daughter re-reading letter claiming to be from self. V. odd, as sent no correspondence to daughter since last Christmas. Suspect chain letter threatening bad luck if not copied and sent to six other famous men's daughters. Daughter confused, but daughter confuses easily.

_Day Thirty-three_: League arrived at manor to confuse daughter even more. All are wearing black, v. depressing. Accepted daughter's invitation to stay at manor. Daughter immediately taken with American spy. Like the idea of Sawyer as son-in-law.

_Day Thirty-four_: Daughter showed letter to League. Not chain letter at all, but clues to mystery about key in Paris. Have never been to Paris and know nothing about key; would warn daughter, but still dead. Nemo invited daughter to come and live on big boat, as PM is tossing her out.

_23 August 1899_: Have decided to stop numbering days, as am losing count. Daughter and League now on ship.

_24 August 1899_: Someone attempting to kill daughter. Threw her into ocean today, had to be fished out by Sawyer. V. irritating. If still alive, would hunt down podunk would-be assassin and introduce him to business end of Matilda.

_25 August 1899_: Sawyer assigned to accompany daughter at all times to protect her from further harm. Suspect daughter pleased, as still crushing on Sawyer. Sawyer still lusting unwisely after lady vampire, so no wedding bells yet.

_27 August 1899_: Mina offered to teach daughter chemistry. V. bad move, as daughter will likely blow up ship. Daughter observed that Sawyer and Jekyll both pining for Mina, not pleased. Daughter needs to get a grip. Mina still undecided about preference. Am of the mind that Jekyll is better choice, as experience with Hyde will come in v. handy during vampire's time of the month.

_28 August 1899_: Most of League went to Notre Dame Cathedral today. Daughter v. impressed. Mina collected dust sample, brought back to ship and promptly blew up lab. Daughter nowhere nearby, can't blame her for mishap. Most of ship still intact, Mina knocked senseless. Jekyll got to play hero, Sawyer jealous.

_29 August 1899_: Mina recovered, batted eyelashes at Jekyll. Daughter v. confused by references to Mina's "condition" and inquired with Skinner, who took her into closet to explain. Daughter shocked by truth about Mina and Hyde. Skinner made jokes about being alone in closet with daughter.

Daughter later went to library to try and 'comfort' Sawyer a bit, ended up commiserating about rotten love lives. Put heads together -- almost literally -- and read book about cathedral to search for clues.

_30 August 1899_: League went back to cathedral to find out about red door. Daughter never v. good with foreign languages, don't blame sexton for laughing at her. Went up to see gargoyles, Sawyer took a header off the roof. Not dead, but came close. Daughter v. distressed, feels responsible for injuries.

_31 August 1899_: Daughter using Sawyer's injuries as excuse to watch him sleep. Cried today. Daughter a bit of a whiny bint sometimes.

_3 September 1899_: Sawyer recovering, daughter relieved. Still using injuries as excuse to sit by him. When awake, reads him sappy poetry. Would vomit if still alive.

_6 September 1899_: Daughter's twentieth birthday. Would send expensive present, but still dead.

_7 September 1899_: Daughter surprised by birthday cake from League. Almost cried again. Sawyer and other League members decided to give up search for key, as too many close calls already. Daughter then received note from Sawyer trying to get her to go to cathedral one more time. Sawyer denied sending note and gave handwriting sample to prove it. Suspect daughter of hoping Sawyer was asking her to elope.

_8 September 1899_: Daughter went on suicide mission to cathedral with Skinner as invisible bodyguard. Moron offspring immediately clocked over head and taken captive. Second invisible man running around trying to kill her. V. weird.

Creep orchestrating murder attempts turned out to be friend of M's claiming to be self's son. Am indignant, as never fathered anything so in need of bath. Skinner jumped on other invisible man to stop him from violating daughter; Skinner all right, really. League showed up in time to have lots of fun with gang of ruffians. Mina v. well fed. Thug claiming to be son tried to shoot Sawyer and Skinner; daughter picked up rifle and shot him in head. Told wife she gets it from me. Daughter then fainted. Told wife she gets it from her.

_12 September 1899_: Daughter still delirious, but recovering. Sawyer sits at bedside a lot, v. hopeful for happy ending. League held conference about keeping daughter. Nemo made v. nice speech about caring for self's child.

_13 September 1899_: Daughter well enough to have visitors, v. pleased to see Skinner not dead. Suspect Skinner of being more fond of daughter than previously realized.

_18 September 1899_: Sawyer still visiting daughter daily. Daughter's crush on Sawyer fading due to lack of requite; so much for Sawyer as son-in-law. Think Sawyer figured out that Skinner has thing for daughter. Sawyer smarter than whole League put together sometimes. Daughter oblivious, big surprise.

_19 September 1899_: League decided to go to Egypt next. Informed daughter of decision to adopt her, daughter almost cried again. Definitely gets that from mother, as self never cries. No, really.


	2. The Egypt Chronicle

**Allan Observes: A TPDoEQ Special Edition**  
by Lady Norbert

A/N: I wish the actual volumes had been half this simple to write. Oh, and as I'm sure some of you will recognize, the recurring joke starting in this chapter -- "Skinner will kill him if he tries anything" -- is a direct rip-off of Cassie Claire's marvelous "Very Secret Diaries." It was just too appropriate for this story not to use.

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_20 September 1899_: Watched Skinner sneak off sub to buy daughter get-well presents. Daughter is not certain if anonymous gifts are from Skinner or Sawyer. Daughter pretty thick sometimes.

_21 September 1899_: Daughter unable to sleep thanks to memories of Paris, went out on conning tower. Skinner showed up and proceeded to flirt clumsily. Daughter thinks Skinner funny and sweet, but not serious. Daughter thicker than previously suspected. Flirtation interrupted by Sawyer, who is less thick and felt guilty for interrupting. Daughter and Sawyer had fine visit on deck, however, so not total loss; reminisced about self, v. gratifying. May yet get Sawyer for son-in-law after all.

_24 September 1899_: Went with son today to play cards with Henry VIII and George Washington. American President has wooden teeth and powdered wig, v. unfashionable. Grossly obese monarch cheated, but could not prove it so said nothing.

_25 September 1899_: Nemo gave daughter key to old quarters today. Suppose this only fair, as daughter is last surviving kin, but wonder what she will do with Matilda.

_26 September 1899_: League in Egypt. Daughter fainted from heat, caught by Skinner before hitting floor. Daughter more like mother all the time. Still thinks Skinner is like brother; daughter's thickness would make bricks jealous.

_27 September 1899_: Crocodile entered League camp tonight in search of midnight snack. Daughter stood around like moron and stared at croc, but cannot criticize too harshly since so did everyone else. Croc attempted to take advantage of dim-witted meal but was stopped by invisible man standing in front of her. Skinner not dead, but hurt by croc. Daughter v. distressed, feels responsible for injuries. Am noting recurring pattern of injured men in daughter's life.

_2 October 1899_: League reached Egyptian city of Luxor and found new friend, famous archaeologist man called Carter. V. nice chap, promised to show them strange tomb.

_4 October 1899_: Carter showed League odd tomb yesterday, which was found by horse. Tomb held nothing but statue and empty coffin, v. strange. Today seemed ill, scared Mina, who thinks another vampire is roaming the area. Daughter unnerved, and for once, cannot blame her.

_5 October 1899_: Carter apparently starting to turn vampire. Flirted with daughter, complimenting her on her beautiful neck. Daughter not entirely offended, as knows what's wrong with him, but still nervous. Skinner will kill him if he tries anything. Mina says daughter and Sawyer have "innocent blood" and are hard for vampires to resist; suspect Sawyer more pleased by this than worried.

_6 October 1899_: Daughter v. upset. Vampire showed up last night and tried to bite her, but Skinner got in way again. Skinner going to get himself killed over daughter one of these days. Vampire came to boat tonight and drank some more of Skinner's blood, saying she'd kill daughter if he fought back. On plus side, vampire's threat penetrated daughter's thickness and made her start reconsidering Skinner's feelings. Vampire wants Sawyer, will kill others to get him. Noted in passing that vampire is rather gorgeous.

_8 October 1899_: Daughter stayed on ship with Skinner and Carter while others went in search of vampire. Vampire managed to isolate Sawyer from group and bite him, then make him drink her blood. Sawyer v. easily seduced by gorgeous vampire, who took him into coffin for a...nap. Sawyer has been wanting to get with vampire for awhile, just not that one. Still and all -- go Sawyer!

_11 October 1899_: Skinner possibly dying, thrashing around in fever. Daughter v. distraught after hearing him say her name in sleep. Mina gave daughter swift verbal kick in the pants when daughter went outside to whine. Daughter still fairly thick, though; failed to catch meaning when Mina said "He needs you," thought Mina meant Jekyll. Daughter not real bright sometimes.

_12 October 1899_: Mina, Jekyll and Nemo went out to kill vampire. Daughter left to care for bite victims. Vampire disguised as beetle, hard to kill, but League managed. Carter and Sawyer started to recover rapidly, but Skinner almost died for some reason. Revived a bit when daughter called him "Rodney," should be all right. Daughter v. relieved.

_18 October 1899_: Bite victims all recovered. League returning to big canoe. Mina finally picked Jekyll over Sawyer, v. good decision. Sawyer dealing well. Daughter let Skinner read diary about events during illness; is only person in whole world allowed to call him by first name. Still thick, still doesn't grasp significance. Density of offspring giving self doubts about future carriers of Quatermain bloodline.


	3. The Wintering, Part One

**Allan Observes: A TPDoEQ Special Edition**  
by Lady Norbert

A/N: Are we having fun yet? XD Thanks for the great reviews -- it's nice to know this is as entertaining to you as it is to me! I also have to say thanks for the help to Teri the Wonder Beta and my pals in the LXG RPG, most notably "Dru." Volume III is such a behemoth that I split Allan's observations of it into two chapters.

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_22 October 1899 _-- League in Greece, visiting Athens. Skinner asked daughter why ancient Greeks had god of wine but no god of Scotch. Daughter v. entertained by random stupidity.

_24 October 1899_ -- Daughter and League visited Acropolis. Jekyll and Mina v. cuddly on rocks. Skinner crowned bloody Queen of the May by daughter. Daughter noticeably impressed by Acropolis, not least by fact that Skinner actually shut up for ten minutes while touring. After dinner, Jekyll and Mina went back to Acropolis for moonlight tryst. Jekyll proposed. Wonder if union will result in little flying Hydes.

_26 October 1899 _-- Daughter went to church with Skinner and Sawyer. Trying to decide if Skinner had ever been to church before, but as none of them understood anything in Greek service, was hard to tell.

_29 October 1899_ -- League on train heading north to where _Nautilus_ will meet them. Jekyll amusing group by reading Homer, unaware that real Homer is sitting with self criticizing English translation. Daughter embroidering handkerchiefs for gentleman thief. Daughter takes "gentleman" half of designation entirely too seriously.

_31 October 1899_ -- Mina asked daughter to stand bridesmaid in wedding on Christmas Eve. Daughter ecstatic. Nemo to be best man. Proud of Sawyer; if jealous of Jekyll, concealing it well.

_2 November 1899_ -- League surprised by earlier rendezvous with _Nautilus_ than planned. German scientist Draper sent recipe for invisibility formula so Mina and Jekyll can try to make antidote. Skinner had reservations, uncertain whether to go through with plan; daughter tried to help. Invisible git made jokes about undressing in her room, but thanked her for help. Daughter still totally in dark about Skinner.

_8 November 1899_ -- Daughter finally went into old quarters and began sorting through self's belongings. Has set aside specific personal items as Christmas gifts to League; Matilda will go to Sawyer, v. appropriate. V. pleased with daughter. Found old photographs and started crying, tried to stop when Skinner came to call her for tea.

_9 November 1899_ -- Daughter continued sorting belongings, is sending most of self's clothing to charity. Suppose only fair, as she cannot wear it. Noticed she is keeping old hat. Skinner came to help pack clothes, discovered money and bank paperwork hidden in bottom of old steamer trunk. Made no attempt to rob daughter; it must be love. Forgot about stashing away money -- go me! Wanker Prime Minister not taking everything from homeless offspring after all.

_12 November 1899_ -- Nemo threw engagement party for soon-to-be Jekylls. Several strange toasts. Greek wine went straight to daughter's head, as daughter usually temperance person.

_15 November 1899_ -- League back in London. Daughter now has money and is indulging in shopping spree like typical London girl. Is passing Tom off as visiting American cousin while giving him tour. Works for strangers, will not work for people who know daughter has no American relatives. Should be interesting watching daughter wiggle out of this one.

_16 November 1899_ -- Daughter learned mother and Skinner's parents buried in same cemetery. Got Skinner to tell her more about history, learned why turned thief. Most illuminating. Skinner gradually becoming more obvious, apparently encouraged by daughter's incomprehensible obliviousness.

_19 November 1899_ -- Shopaholic offspring accompanied Mina on trip to find wedding attire. Daughter had good sense to keep out of Mina's way, as lady vampire knows what she wants and takes no guff. Pitied saleswoman, but only slightly. Daughter v. entertained by Mina's take-charge attitude. Men planned bachelor party, women rolled eyes. Could easily out-drink Skinner, if not still dead.

_27 November 1899_ -- League celebrated American holiday of Thanksgiving. Ate lots of turkey and gave thanks for different things. Gratified by Skinner's speech about being thankful for self, though suspect was more for daughter's benefit than self's. Daughter almost cried again, but getting better about restraining tears.

_30 November 1899_ -- Daughter in charge of League Christmas festivities, has started by making plum pudding for entire crew. Taught Tom and Nemo about everyone taking turn stirring and making wishes. Observed that daughter wishes to find husband to love her like Jekyll loves Mina. Observed that Skinner wished daughter's wish would come true, whatever it was. Would like nothing better than to smack their heads together.

_3 December 1899_ -- Was wondering what daughter would do upon meeting up with someone she knew. Today encountered old friend and friend's husband, had to think of way to explain new and bizarre lifestyle. Rescued by Sawyer, who pretended to be daughter's husband and confused other people completely. Daughter, Sawyer and Skinner laughed like idiots afterward. Admit to chuckling. Got Sawyer for son-in-law after all, if only for minutes.

_13 December 1899_ -- Skinner's birthday. Daughter, being only person in League to know this fact, orchestrated small celebration, his first in some dozen years. Seemed very appreciative. Cake looked really good; must admit that birthday cake is something missing in afterlife.

_23 December 1899_ -- Jekyll's bachelor party. Women took refuge in library while men got roaring drunk. Am impressed, Skinner can hold liquor. Sawyer started doing strange dance on tabletop. Skinner and Jekyll v. amused, Nemo not so much. Men drank to love, happiness, self's memory, League as whole, and "all the women we've ever loved." Am not sure how many that is. Nemo had wife, Jekyll probably too shy to deal much with women. Sawyer had two past loves if counting Mina. Skinner -- don't really want that mental picture.

_24 December 1899_ -- Marriage of the Jekylls. V. moving ceremony. Daughter sweet bridesmaid, looked puzzled after catching bouquet. Asked Mina what to do with designation as next bride; suspect Mina of wanting to tell daughter exactly what to do. Mina much quicker on uptake than daughter. League exchanged Christmas gifts, Sawyer v. emotional over Matilda. Daughter received new diaries from everyone but Skinner, who gave own mother's locket. Daughter's failure to put two and two together far too easy for self to mock; shall refrain in spirit of Christmas.

_25 December 1899_ -- Newlyweds returned to observe proper English Christmas on submarine. Lots of food; could smell, if not taste. V. mouth-watering. League sang carols, danced much. Sawyer complained about limited supply of female companionship when forced to waltz with Skinner. Sawyer caught Mina under kissing bough, looked embarrassed. Skinner caught daughter under kissing bough, looked smug. Daughter almost choked to death on silver ring in slice of plum pudding, seemed bewildered by accumulation of marriage symbols. Was cleaning ring and completely missed significant looks exchanged by Sawyer and Jekylls. Mounting conspiracy v. amusing.

_26 December 1899_ -- Confounded offspring almost took hint today. Was cleaning locket from Skinner and wondered at intentions, but talked herself out of believing. Am seriously considering taking up haunting.

_27 December 1899_ -- Second wife not much help. Discussing situation re: daughter and Skinner, wife wants to know why self is so interested. Is daughter's life, daughter's decision. Agreed, but am naturally concerned regarding continuance of Quatermain bloodline. Have given up hope of acquiring Sawyer as son-in-law, not averse to idea of Skinner taking job but want matter settled. Both wives now addressing self as meddlesome old coot. Wives dead too long, had too much time to team up against self.

_31 December 1899_ -- Century ending tonight. League planning to watch first sunrise of 1900. Meanwhile, huge New Year's Eve party being held at Caligula's place, am told togas optional. V. suspicious, have decided on quiet evening with family.


	4. The Wintering, Part Two

**Allan Observes: A TPDoEQ Special Edition**

by Lady Norbert

A/N: Most of the really good jokes in this chapter are the product of my best friend and other self, Jessica, with some good advice as always from Teri the Wonder Beta. Thanks for all the great feedback!

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_1 January 1900_ -- League watched sun come up over the ocean to start new century. Daughter resolved to be "more extraordinary" so as to better fit in with League. Silly bint; as is self's daughter, genetics indicate extraordinary nature is inherent.

_4 January 1900_ -- Nemo announced plan to visit South America and uncover lost city of Incas. Bloody brilliant. Lucky sots. Daughter of the mind that self would have loved plan, is quite accurate assessment.

_6 January 1900_ -- League ripped down remaining Christmas decorations and biffed into ocean. Daughter studying up on Incas in preparation for trip. Am way ahead of her, have learned to understand quipu method of writing in knotted string. Tracked down actual dead Inca and can threaten in knot-speak, v. amusing. Threats amount to little, as both Inca and self are dead. Still, had good chuckle.

_7 January 1900_ -- Have tracked down dead explorer de Orellana, character in daughter's history book. V. interesting chappie. Invited over for coffee and swapping of battle stories.

_10 January 1900_ -- League in actual Amazonia. V. lush surroundings, beauty-loving daughter in ecstasies. League women letting hair down, literally; daughter looks like overgrown poodle in dense humidity. Inherited curly hair from mother's mother. Does not seem to put Skinner off, however.

_14 January 1900_ -- Progress down river slow, as tides are high. Daughter hoping to see shiny pink fish. Plenty of predators, but girly offspring looking for the _pink _one. Can hardly stand it.

_16 January 1900_ -- Daughter bought more roots for plant collection today. Left her in sister-in-law's care for too long; fifteen years more than adequate amount of time, it seems, to develop irreversible dirt fascination. Have failed as father in some regard.

_19 January 1900_ -- Skinner unable to stand greasepaint in humidity, walks around in clothes with no visible head. Would probably go starkerfs but has grown tired of people walking into him. Daughter v. amused, but daughter amuses easily where Skinner concerned.

_21 January 1900_ -- Shiny pink fish finally put in appearance today, while daughter napping of all things. Skinner fetched her to underwater observatory so as not to miss spectacle. Was rather nice interlude between daughter and Skinner, wives all swoony over it but daughter still entirely in the dark. Shiny pink fish should carry sign while swimming past. Want to go down as ghost and scare sense into hopeless scion, but wives forbid, saying things must happen "in their own time." Daughter's watch evidently needs winding.

_23 January 1900_ -- League left submarine at planned locale and set up camp on beach. Hapless offspring wandered away from group and almost turned into Puma Chow. Wives say she gets it from self; v. absurd notion. Self would never go wandering without Matilda or similar. Daughter should carry rifle, would give Skinner a break. Nemo's men shot puma before daughter drowned, Skinner pulled her out of water. Daughter's leg bleeding, v. convenient excuse for invisible bodyguard to carry her back to camp. Later thanked him with goodnight kiss, actually shocked Skinner into silence. Noticed five or six of Nemo's men placing wagers on how long mutual cluelessness will last.

_26 January 1900_ -- League riding mules up mountainside. Daughter's leg mending. Must stop often to take shelter from downpours. Wives no longer criticizing self for watching so closely, as are now thoroughly absorbed in waiting for resolution to situation between daughter and Skinner. Sister-in-law also joins us for daily observations, and even son amused by whole affair. Have attempted to establish own betting pool, but no takers.

_3 February 1900_ -- League unable to proceed, as dysentery outbreak spreading through camp. Even Jekyll ill. Daughter spared thus far; Mina attempting to keep her out of harm's way, v. appreciative.

_7 February 1900_ -- More of group ill. Sawyer v. sick but recovering decently, am grateful. Skinner visits Sawyer and Jekyll's bedsides to keep patients amused. Daughter insisting on helping to care for sick men, v. kind but v. foolish. Disgusting disease, even self's dead nose hardly able to stand overwhelming stench of camp. If not still dead, would quite possibly die in self-defense.

_13 February 1900_ -- Knew this would happen. Daughter now sick with dysentery, v. high fever. Jekyll recovered and able to help care for her. Skinner refusing to leave chair by daughter's cot, v. mopey. Am v. hopeful that daughter will recover, or else will spend afterlife feeling guilty that she made Skinner permanently miserable. Shall put in request for divine intervention, if necessary, to prevent sulky daughter from showing up.

_17 February 1900_ -- Daughter's fever broke, woke from coma in complete confusion. Skinner actually addressed her as 'princess;' wives think this adorable. Daughter looking pretty rough but alive, which is most important part. As daughter is likely to survive, have convinced some casual observers to place bets on outcome.

_19 February 1900_ -- Daughter soon well enough to continue journey, rest of group recovered. Skinner still not leaving daughter's bedside, daughter v. grateful for companionship. Wrote in her diary that Skinner "dearer" to her than previously. It's a start.

_22 February 1900_ -- League has resumed travel, daughter recovered well. Still a bit more tired than usual sometimes, but no real harm done.

_27 February 1900_ -- Realized that League will reach destination of Machu Picchu late tomorrow. Am v. impressed, they actually did it. Interesting ruins, Nemo should have field day.

_1 March 1900_ -- League made unexpected discovery while continuing exploration today. Daughter touched stone which made large statues come alive and start threatening group. Nemo and Skinner tried to shepherd daughter to safety, but foolhardy offspring decided to play hero and lure statues away from companions. Statues retaliated by sealing daughter in cave.

Kept shouting at League to pull down stones. Felt like spectator at sporting event. Wives v. critical, kept telling self "They can't hear you, you know!" Women don't understand, yelling _does _help. One of Nemo's men realized stone pile did not belong there, good man. League pulled it apart to save suffocating daughter. Mina went batty and flew in, but Skinner insisted on going in as well. Mina actually gave them some alone time, v. good. Smart woman, would have made a good man.

More importantly, daughter finally caught on after unexpected embrace from Skinner. Wives cheered. Collected from Galileo, who had wagered daughter would stay clueless until after next planetary alignment. Daughter also admitted to herself that feelings are mutual, but uncertain how to proceed. Amused to note that daughter is concerned as to what self's opinion would be of relationship.

_8 March 1900_ -- League heading back down mountain. Have decided not to publicize discovery of Machu Picchu, as uncertain how to explain a lot of it. Suppose this is best, but am slightly disappointed.

_16 March 1900_ -- League back in Cuzco. Have learned from local priest that daughter was selected for burial in cave as virgin sacrifice to sun god. Attempted to point out to wives that whole mess could have been avoided if Skinner got act together, but was rewarded with smacks on head. Do not understand women.


	5. Only in America, Part One

**Allan Observes: A TPDoEQ Special Edition**

by Lady Norbert

A/N: Like volume III, I decided volume IV was too much for one chapter -- especially considering there are two separate viewpoints for Allan to snark about. So it too got split between two chapters.

* * *

_20 March 1900_ - Skinner claimed to see rabid gerbil in Amazon. Daughter and Sawyer in hysterics. Humidity must be getting to their brains.

_21 March 1900_ - Sawyer's birthday. Is now twenty-one to daughter's twenty, and feels justified in calling her "li'l sis." Rather nice endearment, wives charmed. Daughter slightly confused, but tolerating with good humour.

_24 March 1900_ - League planning to head to America after exiting Amazonia. Sawyer feels need to check in with boss and rest of group curious to see country which spawned optimist. Daughter meanwhile taking interest in stargazing, spends much time looking up. Am waiting to hear complaints of crick in neck.

_25 March 1900_ - Watched Skinner pretend to nap in library as subterfuge, trying to lure daughter close enough to kiss. V. amused to realize that both had same thought at same time, but knew daughter would never go through with anything so forward. Skinner had decency to feel guilty about ploy. Daughter attempted to convince Cockney thug to read classic literature about...well, another thug. Skinner not interested in book as much as in bookworm.

_28 March 1900_ - Sawyer joined daughter for evening's stargazing. Hinted that he knows about her feelings for Skinner, daughter refused to take bait. Told him how de Gaulle addressed her as "little sister" in Paris; said she has determined was not self's son. Could have told her that, but still dead. Daughter then made nice little speech about how Sawyer was self's son as far as daughter is concerned. Sawyer v. flattered. Affection between daughter and almost-son sweet to watch, wives keep going on about "what a nice boy he is."

_2 April 1900_ - League touring Washington, the city of white buildings. Sawyer met with American President, gave watered-down account of activities since joining League's company. President gave permission for Sawyer to remain with League, to "protect our country's interests abroad." League doesn't care why he's staying, just happy he is.

_6 April 1900_ - Lousy day, in general. Daughter distressed by attempt on Prince of Wales's life; self not so much, as never did much care for swotty womanizing twit. Aggrieved, however, by events at home of American President. First, poncy tour guide put moves on daughter, but not overly worried; told wives"Skinner will kill him if he tries anything." Then poncy tour guide stole fancy spoons from dining room, planted evidence framing Skinner. Skinner now stuck in jail for crime someone else committed. Worse, League not sure if innocent or guilty. Only daughter convinced of innocence, almost threw tantrum; noted idiocy in diary. Am amused, but concerned; would be insensitive of self not to be concerned over person who has saved offspring's life repeatedly.

_7 April 1900_ - Daughter slipped off to jailhouse to visit Skinner. Restrained emotions on both sides, though barely. Skinner v. grateful for visit, but made daughter promise not to come back. Once daughter out of earshot, guard harassed Skinner into explaining relationship with daughter; wives v. swoony to hear him refer to daughter as his "everything." Self not swoony, of course, unless being so involves slight case of nausea.

After returning to _Nautilus_, daughter convinced Sawyer to help her prove Skinner's innocence. Sawyer relented, more out of fear that daughter will get herself killed in process than anything else. Returned to White House, interrogated poncy tour guide and other gentleman. Sawyer now fairly convinced Skinner innocent. Could tell him that, if not still dead. Has convinced rest of League to help search for real thief.

Sawyer later went to visit, assured Skinner that daughter misses him. Sawyer v. astute, shares self's desire to smack their heads together.

_8 April 1900_ - Skinner still in jail, but mystery may yet be solved. Daughter's observational skills better than previously believed; spotted missing silverware in tinker's cart. Stolen items now recovered, but Skinner's innocence still unproven. Have full faith in Sawyer, however. Boy once solved murder, can solve this.

_9 April 1900_ - Sawyer and daughter returned to White House again to speak with poncy tour guide. Twit flirted with daughter again, daughter repulsed. Sawyer used unpublicized information to trick poncy tour guide into confessing to crime. Skinner back with League, had nice reunion. Rest of League in possession of working eyeballs and therefore able to see clearly how Skinner looks at daughter and vice versa. Ship's betting pool growing; more than twenty of Nemo's crewmen now placing wagers on how long before one of them cracks. Have gotten a few more interested observers to join self's betting pool as well.

_11 April 1900_ - Skinner escorted daughter to church service as way of saying thanks for believing in him. Daughter v. appreciative, both obviously enjoyed long slow walk back to ship. Skinner made crack about others suspecting them of eloping, shocked daughter by suggesting they actually do. Daughter too startled to realize Skinner actually was hoping for affirmative answer; thief pretended to be joking.

Daughter's mother had temerity to suggest self is approving of Skinner as potential son-in-law. Was quite perturbed and blamed lack of sarcasm on nasty head cold. Wife contradicted, saying that, as am dead, am incapable of getting sick. Wife v. absurd; am perfectly able to observe when not acting like self.

_15 April 1900_ - Daughter and League on train heading west, en route to Sawyer's hometown of St. Petersburg. Boring. Have meanwhile been introduced to Sawyer's friend Finn, murdered by Fantom. Was Sawyer's reason for joining League. Nice chappie, not v. literate but good-hearted. Gets along well with son.

_18 April 1900_ - League arrived in St. Petersburg, was greeted by Sawyer's cousin Mary. Sweet girl, by look of things and according to Finn. Town threw sort of welcoming bash for League, v. nice.

_21 April 1900_ - Wives v. distressed by antics of deputy mayor Everett. Was not certain as to why until read over daughter's shoulder as she updated diary. Everett v. overbearing, tries to spend too much time with League and especially daughter. Assured wives nothing to fear; Skinner will kill him if he tries anything. Am not being facetious this time, as Skinner looks like he really wants to kill.

_26 April 1900_ - Daughter v. agitated by local gossipy biddies speculating on daughter's relationship with deputy mayor. Daughter blushes v. easily, went back to hotel for friendlier company of Sawyer and Skinner. Gentlemen let daughter believe she lied well about cause of upset. Daughter likes Everett more than League does, enjoys flattering attentions. Am suspicious of Everett's real designs. Skinner _will _kill him if he tries anything, and am glad.

_27 April 1900_ - Daughter went on semi-romantic evening stroll with Everett; thought Skinner might self-destruct afterwards. Began to fear daughter was buying into Everett's load of tosh, as twit was inquiring about relationship with Skinner and other personal details. Daughter suitably affronted, however, when twit questioned her future aspirations; returned to hotel in mild huff. Cannot afford to be too relieved, as daughter seemed pleased when Mina expressed opinion that Everett likes daughter. Think daughter should make up mind; would tell her so, but still dead.

_28 April 1900_ - Everett apparently worried that daughter was offended by questioning, sent bouquet of flowers to breakfast table. Skinner attempted to kill napkin. Skinner should open big invisible mouth and say something, really. Daughter and Skinner still circling each other like lovesick vultures. V. annoying to watch. Feel sorry for rest of League.

_30 April 1900_ - Whole town excited about big to-do Sunday night. Large ball to be held in St. Petersburg dance hall, League planning to go. Sawyer more or less browbeat Skinner into agreeing to seize opportunity to win daughter away from poncy pouf Everett. Mina v. graciously teaching Skinner to dance, exhibiting greater patience than self knew lady vampire to possess.

League members either love Skinner (and/or daughter) more than they care to admit, or hate Everett more than self realized. Suspect combination of all factors.

_2 May 1900_ - Daughter and League attended ball. Skinner decent dancer, Mina good teacher. Daughter v. starry-eyed. Daughter overly-romantic bint like her mother, but Skinner not much better. Stood naked in hallway to deliver anonymous rose to daughter's room. Skinner naked around daughter a lot, come to think of it.


	6. Only in America, Part Two

**Allan Observes: A TPDoEQ Special Edition**

by Lady Norbert

A/N: Allan is a funny, funny dead man. Thanks to everyone who provided help with this particular version of things...you know who you are.

* * *

_3 May 1900_. Watched while Skinner sneaked into daughter's room as she slept and filched one of her gloves. Went downtown and purchased engagement ring. Not really ready to propose, but wanted to be prepared, evidently. Wives v. swoony. Daughter and Sawyer spent afternoon with Sawyer's friend Becky while Skinner worked on proposal technique. Had v. amusing conversation with dead self. Skinner all right, really.

_4 May 1900_. Received memo from Lord of Universe today, asking self to reduce use of profanity. Will try, but not promising anything. Could only watch in horror (along with wives, son, and everyone else taking interest in situation) as Everett blackmailed daughter into accepting marriage proposal. Wants to get self's papers and find way back to King Solomon's mine to become wealthy. Dragging daughter along for ride, basically. Would happily help Skinner kill him, but Skinner half-dead with grief himself. Went to tavern after engagement announced and drank himself stupid. Sawyer had to almost drag him back to hotel. League v. worried about daughter and Skinner both.

_5 May 1900_. Shopaholic daughter not enjoying her foray into town to buy wedding attire. Never saw offspring so miserable. Assorted Greek philosophers holding large-scale debate over who suffers more, daughter or Skinner. Am not remotely amused.

_8 May 1900_. Wedding plans are go. Skinner mildly suicidal. Sawyer frantic. V. proud of Sawyer; seems to be only one who knows something is wrong. Cornered daughter and attempted to force truth from her, but daughter held firm. Daughter v. frightened of Everett, who threatens to kill Sawyer and frame Skinner for crime. Cannot really blame her for fears, but yelled at her to tell Sawyer. Still dead, so no response. Sawyer found friend Becky, and daughter confided all to her, but swore Becky to secrecy so not much help.

_9 May 1900_. Skinner heard daughter crying and got v. angry. Confronted Everett, who admitted having no love for daughter. Made snide comment about 'taking the blush off your English rose,' provoked Skinner into homicide attempt. Am thoroughly on Skinner's side, but thuggish bodyguards promptly took Skinner and dumped him in abandoned coal mine until after wedding. Engagement dinner commenced as planned, then Everett told daughter about Skinner's current plight to ensure her good behavior. Luckily, Sawyer listening at keyhole, heard whole story. Go Sawyer! League now planning elaborate rescue during wedding tomorrow. Am sufficiently cheered by new development to reopen betting pool, taking wagers on outcome. Stand to win plenty if League succeeds.

If League fails, well...trying not to contemplate.

_10 May 1900._ Everett learned hard way: Do not censored with League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Sawyer and Hyde plucked Skinner out of mine while Nemo and Mina pretended all was normal at wedding. Daughter v. pale and terrified until Mina managed to slip her news of rescue-in-progress. Daughter recovered Quatermain courage and continued with pantomime wedding until Skinner's dramatic appearance, just in time to object. Sawyer v. smug.

Skinner really should have taken hint from daughter flinging herself into his arms, but Skinner sometimes almost as thick as daughter.

_12 May 1900._ Daughter sick of people asking about wedding story. Just wants to be left alone. Everett going to prison, along with flunkies who helped with Skinner's kidnapping; daughter is safe from him forever. Daughter and League traded stories over dinner until everything known by everyone. Sawyer assured daughter that League loves her even if she is pain in proverbial fanny.

Daughter and Skinner, however, still acting like strangers. Not sure how to fix this. Wives keep pointing out that self cannot intervene, as still dead. Wives seem to think self capable of forgetting relative transparency and inability to cuddle with shiny rifle.

Miss Matilda...Matilda never talked back.

_14 May 1900_. Ought to smack daughter. Wondering why Skinner confronted Everett, what was said. Is not sure if Skinner was just protecting because protecting is what he does, or if Skinner was afraid of losing daughter. Tried to get daughter's attention by tugging ribbon out of hair, but have not mastered aspects of haunting and only made her think room was breezy. Will find out who to bribe to spell out message in clouds, if necessary. Tired of waiting.

_16 May 1900._ Skinner and Sawyer had last words with Everett before state marshals carted jackass off to prison. Town threw huge goodbye party for departing League. Am not certain if town celebrating League as heroes, or partying because can't wait to get rid of League. Bartender sorry to see Skinner leaving, at least; invisible man's depression v. profitable.

_19 May 1900_. Daughter and Skinner both v. moody on train back to submarine. Worse than watching lovesick vulture impressions. Suspect League of wanting to force them to talk, but League too polite. Daughter too depressed to write in diary -- v., v. bad sign. Skinner too depressed to drink -- could be first signal of impending Apocalypse.

_21 May 1900_. Jekylls back to work trying to restore Skinner's visibility. Betting pool active once again, taking wagers on invisible man's eye and hair colour. Daughter puttering aimlessly. Sawyer played chess with daughter, got her to admit truth without actually saying it. Sawyer clever lad. Sawyer later tried to convince Skinner to go to daughter and confess feelings, Skinner not having it. Skinner bloody idiot, seems to think daughter might have actually wanted to marry Everett. Would give good smack upside head, but still dead. Not worried, however, as suspect Sawyer may do it for me.

_27 May 1900._ Daughter and Skinner actually had conversation. Rather pointless conversation, must admit, but must start somewhere. Haunting each other's dreams, v. entertaining to see -- or would be, if someone else's bloodline were at stake instead of self's.

_30 May 1900_. Skinner turns out to be blue-eyed redhead. Won bet on eyes, but lost on hair; put money on Skinner having black hair. Not bad-looking chappie, really; could get decently cute grandchildren out of match if ever gets act together. Daughter rather speechless, evidently finds visible Skinner v. attractive. Must go thrash Chaucer, who has opened own betting pool and is taking wagers on Skinner forgetting and wandering around naked. Not funny.

Well, okay, maybe a _little _funny.

_2 June 1900_. Skinner slightly annoyed with daughter for first time in...ever, actually. Asked her opinion on visibility. Daughter assured him that if he was happy, she was happy. Understood what daughter meant, but share Skinner's irritation, since Skinner hoping to get clue from daughter's response. Skinner still not sure how to proceed.

In interest of counteracting afterlife boredom, have started collecting suggestions from various observers as to what Skinner should do. Some answers:

"Stealth snog." Interesting premise, although not personally interested in seeing Skinner abruptly snogging daughter.

Throw surprise wedding and not give her chance to refuse; smuggle minister on board. Impractical, as _Nautilus_ is at sea, but amusing notion.

Slip engagement ring on daughter's hand while sleeping; then, in morning, act surprised and hurt when daughter does not remember accepting proposal. Daughter will feel hideously guilty and pretend to remember event which never happened.

Third option not a bad suggestion, really. Would certainly work.

_5 June 1900_. Well, about bloody time. Skinner finally confronted daughter in room, had long verbal dance -- something about attention and flattery and sparrows. Wives loved sparrow comment. Actually escalated into mild argument, Skinner provoked into admitting he loves daughter. Daughter almost fell over from shock, decided must be dreaming. Thick-headed offspring really unbelievable sometimes. Skinner responded by snogging daughter senseless. Could not quite bring self to watch, must now get in habit of looking away periodically. Skinner neglected to bring ring to confrontation, or would have proposed on spot, but decided he can wait a while; was too busy being happy about whole situation. Assuming all goes as expected, self will be getting Skinner for son-in-law after all. Can live with that.

Wait, no. Still dead. Can't live with it.


End file.
